Seems this cold winter is going to be even harder than I imagined before. This noon, when I was walking along the small garden in University, heavy wind almost blew away my coat.

 

I remember last year, the same time, in Hamburg, the same heavy wind, almost couldn't walk along the harbour. One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting inside Georg's car, touring aroudn the whole city. Just at almost the sunset time, we made wishes on the top of St. Micheale Church.

 

I wrote to Marta telling her that how I miss Christmas last year, miss those warm traditions, miss Glue Wine we had on the Chrismas Market, miss the first day talking to a real Santa Claus in my life, miss our times spent in that boring but cute town-Osnabruk, miss all those small gifts inside the long socks displaying in every shop window along the street.

 

That Christmas Party, everyone changed gifts, someone got a good book, someone got delicious Chinese ingredients with recipes inside, someone got a hand made scarf in a very delightful Christmas red...... Someone taught me how to drink shots with lemon and how to dance following a traditional German Christmas song.

 

I confess I was amazed because of those surprising and thoughtful traditions and every little craftwork I saw in the markets and shops. I was so attracted by all these creations from the capitalistic world, especially Europe, somewhere full of delicated elements.

 

You told me I should have called you last Christmas, cause we were walking on the same street, breathing the air from the same city; you wrote my name on the back of the photo I gave to you and sticked to your wall; you might already forgot the restaurant I took you to. Anyway, we are strangers at this moment.

 

There are just too many regrets in life. Too many things you can not repeat and make it right.

 

I just miss that too much. Miss my gift shelf in my little room, miss Anna's birthday present, miss that great and long Carnival last year. Vodka, latin songs, candles, and all the blessings from others. Well I am that superficial, life is much more interesting with all those sessions going on; or I am still not old enough to enjoy long period of empty and silence.

 

Oh god my incurable romance, my endless dreaming, my struggling in the very realistic world.

 

Life is simple, but I choose to live it in an unsimple way. And this is exactly my incurable sin that I believe in "happily ever after" always.

终于这一年就要走到尽头,工作的事情渐渐有了些眉目,从日本回来以后一直纠结到现在,在多少个夜深人静的夜晚感到孤独无助茫然困惑,可是总会有一些机会突然间跳出来拯救你,只要你做好了迎接它的准备.

 

意识到自己可能就要像这样留在北京,当初离开上海的时候我就预感可能我短期内没有机会再搬回去,果然我就要彻底告别这个我曾经那么热爱的城市.可能我怀念的是那很多很多的片段,让我感到温情的朋友们,和曾经给过我安全感的人.而我对北京生活如此没法充满信心,也许就是因为我害怕在这里没有办法重新构建这一切.

 

接到AIESEC十周年庆典的邀请,很兴奋激动地想到我在北京参加的第一次RIC.那次之后才有我的土耳其和欧洲之旅.AIESEC帮我打开了一个很大的世界,那个世界里有很多很精彩的风景,和带给我不同寻常回忆的人,每次翻看从前的照片,就还是忍不住热泪盈眶.有时候早晨醒来打开电脑,会发现一封或几封来自远方的信件,然后便想起曾经一起度过的时光,心中便充满惊喜又惆怅的情绪.

 

我感动是因为我在那些时候,单纯,认真,全身心投入地付出和得到过.那些回忆,或许会因为时间和距离而慢慢斑驳,但是再翻开来的那一刻,心中反而荡起了更大的涟漪.

 

终于我不会再四处rambling了.要开始为安定的人生和美好的前途而奋斗.我一点也不后悔自己过去两年的生活,在年纪很轻的时候就实现了自己环游欧洲的梦想,曾经在美丽的地方,过着理想中的生活.

 

安定下来的我,会拥有更多的能量去拥抱世界.

 

最近这两天状态好了一些，尽管被默拒的局面并没有任何的好转，但是我焦躁的心情和悲观的情绪好了很多。笔试面试网申还是要怀着希望地继续下去，只是从过去2个月失败或者说不那么顺利的经历中要开始重新总结新的策略和应对方法。

 

慢慢笔试面试了些公司，也慢慢开始思考自己的优势弱势，以及真正喜欢做的事情。发现想清楚了这些，好像就不那么悲观绝望，自己是有能力有条件的人，所以合适的归宿，应该是迟早的事。只是要变得更聪明更勤奋些，积极乐观向上地过每一天。

 

周四和小宁及小C同学去了故宫。傻傻的小C同学从来没有见过这么辉煌壮丽的东方古迹，被我和小宁一番嘲笑。之后的疯狂KTV让我又好好过了一把瘾。谢谢你们的陪伴和安慰，很快我们会有下一次的庆祝。

 

谢谢在这个时刻给我鼓励的所有人，大家都说看好我，所以我不能这么早就放弃了。也谢谢小皓，Helge同学还有以前在上海的朋友们，和来自不同国家不同背景的你们聊天，我好像又有把自己充满电的感觉，整个世界都开阔起来。

 

一切都会好起来的。每个有目标有决心有信念的人都会得到想要的结果，一直在努力的我，也不会例外。

 

期待明天的Maximillian Hecker@MAO Live, Light up my mood and sky, and bravely go for it!